The Human Dream
Purgatory
I would say roughly once a month I will have a dream that is so incredibly detailed and vivid that when I wake up, I am still affected by this dream and I know that it is profound in singular, or multiple ways. I had a dream over the weekend that I believe depicted purgatory or at least a state that embodies the idea of purgatory. Now I am not catholic so I do not believe or acknowledge the existence of this state of relative nothingness so I found it peculiar. In this dream I was living in a hotel or apartment complex in which all of the hallway lights were flickering and the walls and rooms lacked vibrance and color. If these hallways were to be depicted in a movie, the moviegoer would anticipate a shock scare or a feeling that they are being watched or stalked however never in this environment did I feel fear nor happiness, I just felt “being.” In the dream at one point I gathered with friends, whether it was my actual friends or fuzzy depictions of my friends, one thing was clear, it was not the same, there was no feeling of comradery. Although it felt like we had some undefined connection to one another within all of the interactions and conversations one thing was missing, humor. It was as if I knew what humor was and I was almost expecting it to take place however it never happened, all conversation was void of irony and laughter. Eventually we as a group decided we wanted to go eat even though we experienced no hunger. As we are walking through this city, it was dark with only source of light being the type of lanterns that you see in a front yard, lighting the way in an area that appeared to be tropical based on the type of trees in the town square. We eventually reached a restaurant that was tropically themed, as we approached the host stand and I mentioned our reservation, the hostess had no knowledge of the reservation so we sat and waited for a while. Eventually we get sat and as I was walking past the tables all of the people who were sitting with their family or their friends sat expressionless, though they were with people, they were alone. After a long wait, we eventually received our food and the food itself was tasteless as if the food had no salt, seasoning, or spice. After the meal, we found ourselves back into the empty town square where we walked down the block to a local bar, one that you’d see in Florida with open doors and windows, darkly lit with groups of people within. Though the bar looked like one where there’d be music and dancing, there was none of this. Though there were neon paintings on the wall they were void of artistic creativity and expression. Though there was a DJ producing noise that imitated music, there was no internal sensation that music typically brings out within us. The drinks that were ordered had no taste nor supplied any reality altering affect the way having a couple drinks gives you a buzz that loosens you up and relaxes you. In this dream, though I was myself, there was only myself, I did not see or find my romantic partner or family members. In this type of a party-bar setting there are typically scantly dressed women and men attempting to court these women whether it be for short term pleasure or the goal of a romantic relationship. I distinctly remember within this dream that the sexes were self-segregated and at one point I remember thinking, “I should go talk to this woman standing at the bar” though I could not describe the way she looked, I could only describe a feeling of knowing that I should be trying to court this figure that exuded feminine energy. As I started approaching this woman I was overcome by this sense of pointlessness and apathy, that no matter what, the interaction would not end in neither short term pleasure nor romantic intimacy. It was as if the men and women both knew, without saying, that this dreamscape environment was void of love or the emotions that we feel when we feel a connection, whether it be sexually or romantically with the other sex. It was at this point that it made complete sense as to why the men and women segregated themselves, holding drinks in their hands acting out a “good time” rather than experiencing one, standing in group circles having humorless idle chats. Because there was no feeling to be felt or goal to be achieved, the sexes decided to stay within their own groups as if there was a mutual social contract that we’re all alone, so let’s just simply exist in the same room. After this “night out” I returned back to my dreary but not scary apartment or hotel room and the dream was over. I have not yet begun to examine the symbolisms and deeper meanings from the dream itself but I can say that its not a clue as to how I feel in the reality of the real world. I have friends in which I love and gather frequently and the humor is constant throughout, I have a romantic partner in which I find romantic and intimate fulfillment and satisfaction, I have food and drink in which taste sweet and savory with flavor. What stood out above all in this dream was the overwhelming feeling of nothingness, no sadness, no joy, no fear, no excitement, no depression, and no happiness, only existence. This alternate reality was void of the things that we take for granted, humor, love, taste, experience, the feeling of a reciprocated connection with another human being whether romantic or otherwise, the fear or thrill of the unknown or of a known potential negative or positive tradeoff for an action acted out. This dreamscape could be best summarized as a feeling of despite being physically near people, complete isolation. In the midst of the dream, I remember contemplating the alternative, if this was a middle ground between bliss and despair, at least I had nothingness over fear and torture but I also remember thinking, “At least that’s something.” In Milton’s divine comedy he describes the nine layers of hell where each layer is dedicated to a different sin in which the souls of the perpetrators reside, destined for eternal suffering. Nowhere in his nine circles does he describe an area of nothingness, of course there is fire and brimstone and, in the 9th circle where Satan and Judas reside it is a landscape of ice rather than fire. Nowhere in the bible itself does it discuss the existence of a verbatim purgatory the way the catholic church describes and believes. What stood out and a take-away is that this place was void of all that makes us human, for better and for worse. This dreamscape was void of all of the feelings, sensations, and vibrations that separate us from our animal counterparts. Was the purpose of this dream to show the inevitable future that awaits a soul that is neither wretched nor righteous? Was the purpose of this dream to highlight what it is to be human, both the feeling of fear as well as hope? Although the dream involved an intense feeling of isolation, I do not feel this way in reality, yes I often feel different in my thoughts and perceptions but no part of me feels a lack of love neither from the people close to me nor my feelings toward them. I walk away from this experience with an added appreciation for humor, perhaps it is because that was the first thing that stood out or perhaps because it is a feeling that cannot be faked or manufactured, to laugh is to not think, but react, in short, to be human.
Gratitude
The following morning I had time to myself so I did some work around the yard then decided to go on a bike ride. I am one to typically acknowledge passing strangers on the street however I found myself feeling a stronger “want” to engage strangers while on my ride. Because I had this dream sequence void of all human interaction, I felt deprived of it, now craving reciprocated action between other people. What I noticed and what I felt was more intense than usual, I was overcome with a strong sense of shared gratitude. As I was riding passed people asking people how they were doing, even those that displayed initial standoffish bodily language stopped what they were doing, abandoned all prior thought, looked at me and said “Hello, how are you?” The shared feeling was not one of being polite, simply acknowledging me as to pacify so they can continue on their way uninterrupted. There was a complete change in affect, not in the way of a passing gesture or expression but in a deeper and more genuine manner, one that could be seen and felt in and around the eyes. What was mutually felt was a genuine appreciation that some stranger took time out of their day to ask how another complete stranger is doing, and that feeling was then reverberated back to me as if to say, “Thank you for taking an interest in me, I will now take a genuine interest in you.” These interactions are one of a thousand that take place in any given day but when you suddenly feel a deep deprivation of the human condition, you gain perspective and a profound appreciation for the parts of us that are not manufactured from environment but come natural as human-beings. We are a species that not only subconsciously craves human interaction but in fact is dependent upon it. Perhaps this is a major contributing factor as to why we feel the fabric of our culture fracturing and eroding, we are depriving ourselves of these millions of small, but deeply meaningful interactions, every day and all of the time.